Archive for the ‘Loss’ Category


The Other Side of Addiction

December 29, 2009
She was in my life for what felt like forever, but was, in the grand scheme of things, a brief moment.

Four years we spent doing things best friends do.  I loved her.  In truth, I love her still.

It’s impossible to know if the person she showed me was who she thought I wanted to see, or if it was some semblance of the real her. 

I like to think I knew her.  That I didn’t come to love a person she only pretended to be.

I trusted her with my feelings, my deepest thoughts, my children’s lives.  Apart from my husband and the midwife, she was the only other person in the room when my youngest child was born.

We shared.  We laughed.  We loved.

And then she was gone, in the blink of an eye.

She was an addict, her boyfriend said.  Vicodin.  He’d only just discovered it himself.

And she was gone.

He told me things then, things that hurt my heart and my head and my soul.

About the person I thought she was, how she really felt about me, about my kids.

I dream about her.  I dream she comes back, and explains that he was just lashing out in anger.  Maybe he was trying to make it easier for me to let her go.  Maybe he was vindictively trying to burn her bridges for her.  Maybe he was simply telling the truth.

I’ll never know. 

But still, I love her.  The person I knew, and the parts she hid from me.  I only wish she’d trusted me enough to let me see.

Maybe she could have left knowing I love her, anyway.  That I love her enough to help her through it.

I wish I could tell her that.

Originally Posted at The Sweet Life 7/31/2009 9:26 am


  • 7/31/2009 11:35 AM AmazingGreis wrote:
    Great post. I totally had a friend that just disappeared, not sure why, but she stopped calling and coming around. I think about her often, but I can’t say that I continue to miss her to this day. But I do still think about her and what her life must be like now.XOXO 
  • 7/31/2009 11:59 AM melissa wrote:
    Drugs are a scary thing and addiction is serious disease. It changes people. I’ve been unfortunate to see it first hand. The one thing I do know and have heard many times over is addicts are know to hurt those they care about the most.I think you are right. I think she truly wanted to push you away because she didn’t want to let herself hurt you. I honestly believe that.
  • 7/31/2009 12:21 PM Issa wrote:
    I’ve lost one of my brothers to addiction. He’s still alive, but he’s no longer him, the spunky kid I grew up with.It’s the people who are left behind who always wonder. Wonder what could have been, what was real, what could have changed it?

    All I know it, this is a wonderful post. And? I am sending you an Internet hug right now.

  • 8/1/2009 2:49 AM Ben wrote:
    People are their actions. If she was always a friend to you, that was the person she wanted you to see. That’s the person she wanted to be when she was with you. That’s the person she was.Addicts aren’t evil. They’re sick. Often they know it. She may have wished she wasn’t that person. With you she may have not been that person. She would probably didn’t want you to even know that person existed.

    At her worst times, when she said those things, she may have been angry or jealous. Regardless, I doubt your friendship was artificial. Hopefully one day she’ll remember that and come back into your life.

  • 8/2/2009 11:54 AM Maura wrote:
    I’m not sure what affects me more, your post or Ben’s response. Both are wonderful to read. Addiction has played such a huge roll in my life, but I don’t even talk about it. Maybe I should. I feel for you and the friend that you lost.
  • 8/5/2009 11:42 AM Annje wrote:
    I think Ben is right. Even if she said those things, it was the drugs speaking. What was not fair, was her boyfriend telling you that–he is probably angry and suffering as well. I am dealing with loved ones with addictions as well and it is heart-wrenching. I can understand your doubts as to what was real or not–I have those too.
  • 8/6/2009 11:22 AM Lu wrote:
    I am going through the same situation right now with my sister. I totally agree with Ben. I think that it was the real side o who she wanted to be with you. Addicts are great chameleons.
    I wish I could give you some great insight or hope, but I am walking this path with you.
  • 8/6/2009 12:04 PM merlotmom wrote:
    I’m sorry about your friend and sorry that she hurt you. I think you’re right though. You need to trust that what you felt was genuine when you were with her, was. THe other stuff was the drugs, or something else, talking.
  • 8/6/2009 6:33 PM anymommy wrote:
    She was your friend, don’t let second hand information color your memory. Okay, I just read the comments, Ben said it beautifully.It’s lovely writing too, we all have friends lost. I tend to blame myself, so I hope you are seeing this clearly, it was her addiction.
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    Kiss and Say Goodbye

    December 29, 2009
    I mentioned previously that my husband lost his Father at a very early age.

    What I didn’t tell you is that his father committed suicide.

    One day, he just didn’t feel like living anymore.

    He and his wife, my husband’s Mother, had split up and filed for divorce.

    They talked about reconciling.  But it didn’t happen.

    Two days before he died, he bought a single track record by the Manhattans, entitled, “Kiss and Say Goodbye”.  He listened to it over, and over, and over.

    I have this record in my possession.  I fondle it sometimes, and I wonder. 

    I wonder what life would be like if he’d pulled himself through.  If he’d just gotten past that difficult time in his life and decided to stick around for the two little boys he left behind.  I wonder what kind of man he would have grown into.  I wonder what kind of Father he would have been.

    I’ve never listened to the record, and neither has my husband.  We just can’t. 

    We can’t.  Because it’s been so many years, and life…. well, life has to go on.

    Here are the lyrics to that song.  While I don’t know the melody that accompanies them, they haunt me.

    At the same time, I’m so glad he took a moment to say good-bye.

    Manhattans – Kiss And Say Goodbye Lyrics
    Album: Best Of-Kiss & Say Goodbye

    This has got to be the saddest day of my life
    I called you here today for a bit of bad news
    I won’t be able to see you anymore
    Because of my obligations, and the ties that you have
    We’ve been meeting here everyday
    And since this is our last day together
    I wanna hold you just one more time
    When you turn and walk away, don’t look back
    I wanna remember you just like this
    Let’s just kiss and say goodbye

    I had to meet you here today
    There’s just so many things to say
    Please don’t stop me ’til I’m through
    This is something I hate to do
    We’ve been meeting here so long
    I guess what we’ve done, oh was wrong
    Please darlin’, don’t you cry
    Let’s just kiss and say goodbye (Goodbye!)

    Many months have passed us by
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    I’m gonna miss you, I can’t lie
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    I’ve got ties, and so do you
    I just think this is the thing to do
    It’s gonna hurt me, I can’t lie
    Maybe you’ll meet, you’ll meet another guy
    Understand me, won’t you try, try, try, try, try, try, try
    Let’s just kiss and say goodbye (Goodbye!)

    (I’m gonna miss you)
    I’m gonna miss you, I can’t lie
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Understand me, won’t you try
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    It’s gonna hurt me, I can’t lie
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Take my handkerchief and wipe your eyes
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Maybe you’ll find, you’ll find another guy
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Let’s kiss and say goodbye, pretty baby
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Please, don’t you cry
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Understand me, won’t you try
    (I’m gonna miss you)
    Let’s just kiss and say goodbye

    Good-bye, Wayne.  Your son has grown into such a wonderful man.  You would be proud.

    Originally Posted on The Sweet Life 6/26/2009 10:01 pm


  • 6/26/2009 10:23 PM Kirsten wrote:
    Wow. I lost my dad at a young age too. I don’t think you ever get over it. But life moves forward and you always wonder.
  • 6/26/2009 11:33 PM Maura wrote:
    Wow indeed. I wasn’t as young when I lost mine, but I know about losing a dad under difficult circumstances like that.
  • 6/27/2009 12:39 AM Marinka wrote:
    How sad and awful. I’m very sorry.
  • 6/27/2009 6:56 AM Debby Pucci wrote:
    I’m glad your husband had support from others and turned into such a loving husband and father.
  • 6/27/2009 8:00 AM Headless Mom wrote:
    Really tough. I’m sorry that he (and you!) have had to go through this.
  • 6/27/2009 10:58 AM Marla wrote:
    Wow. That is a very haunting song. My biological father died before I was born of a freak heart issue (he was 21). My mom remarried and I have been blessed with an amazing father. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he would have lived.
  • 6/28/2009 9:52 AM jessica wrote:
    I know two people whose parents killed themselves. One of them will never ever be the same. It’s so incredibly sad to hear that people find life so unbearable that they have end their own.
  • 7/2/2009 8:25 AM Sara wrote:
    my father committed suicide when i was 15. its been 13 years and i still think about it every single day. then when i was 20, i broke up with my boyfriend at the time and the next day he committed suicide. i think about that everyday too.i wonder how different life would be if things had gone differently. i wonder what they would be doing. i wonder what i would have done if i didn’t have to deal with that.

    when i was in my hometown to i took my baby to my father’s gravesite. and i cried because they would never meet. i cried because my father would never be the grandfather he was supposed to be. and i wondered how the hell i was going to explain it to my son when he was older and asked where mommy’s daddy was.

  • 7/20/2009 1:56 PM charlotte wrote:
    I just barely skimmed that and just coudln’t bring myself to read it. How horribly tragic. I am very close to my father, I could not imagine. Just a reminder to people that depression kills.
  • h1

    Baby Hope

    September 12, 2009

    A week ago, someone in my community did something so horrendous, so beyond comprehension, that I struggle to catch my breath.

    A newborn baby was carried along the banks of the river.  By a man?  A woman?  Someone with a vested interest in the chestnut-haired newborn child now known as Baby Hope.  She weighed 7 pounds, even, and she still had her umbilical cord and placenta attached when they placed her in the river and let her go.

    They just let her go.

    She stayed in the river for a week, the coroner said.  A week in the icy water, being tossed to and fro by the current.  The water levels fell, and someone walking along the river bank near Sac.ramento discovered her poor little body.  

    That little baby girl, who never had a chance at life.  Never had a chance to smile.  Never had a chance to grow.

    I think of how tenderly I held my baby girls when they were born.  And my heart aches for little Baby Hope, for never having known that kind of love. 

    For how could they have loved her, if they put her in the river?

    Tonight, my community will hold a candlelight vigil in Baby Hope’s honor.  It’s being hosted by a group comprised of parents who have lost their children.  Their hearts are already heavily burdened with the loss of their own babies, and now they carry the loss of Baby Hope, as well.  They mourn for what could have been.

    I think about that, and my sadness turns to anger.  In this country, we have fought tooth and nail to make sure people have choices.  Birth control, the morning after pill, abor.tion, adoption, places to surrender babies with no questions asked.

    And yet, Baby Hope was found on the river bank.  Alone.  Abandoned.

    I wonder if the person who placed here there watched her float away.  Did they turn their back on her, without a second thought?  Or did they do it out of desperation, thinking there was no other way out of a terrible situation?

    I hope someday we’ll know.  Because Baby Hope deserves an answer.

    *Anyone interested in contributing to Baby Hope’s burial fund can email me at Jerdre53 (at) aol (dot) com. *