September 21, 2009

I remember now when I started washing my hands.

It’s as if keeping that monster to myself all this time made it hard to remember the things that changed.  The way I changed. 

I’m remembering, now.

Somehow I came to think that the cleanliness of my hands was a reflection on the purity of my soul.

The palms would start to prickle first.  Soon after, I could feel the germs crawling over my fingertips.  I wondered if anyone could see them.

I could never get the water hot enough.  There never seemed to be enough soap.  But when they were stinging and red, and finally clean, Good God it felt good.

I look at them now, and they are the hands of a much older woman.  They are heavily lined from having cracked and bled, the fingerprints have been scrubbed away.

I’ve washed them nearly a million times over the past 20 years.  Since they got dirty that day, when he raped me.

Why can’t I get them clean?



  1. I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I just don’t know what to say… I wish I had some good advice or comfort.
    I’m just so sorry.

  2. Ditto Deanie. It’s not you that isn’t clean. You are beautiful and strong!


  3. Yours are clean honey, his are the ones that aren’t. That’s easier to say than believe though. This I know.

    Thinking about you. hugs.

  4. I cannot find the words I want to say. Thinking of you and in awe of your strength. truly.

  5. Because they are not dirty anymore you need to believe it and feel it in your heart. You deserve to be healed and believe in your self. You are a strong loving person and a wonderful Mother, wife and blog buddy.

  6. Your hands are clean now…
    Thinking about you. I’m here if you need anything.

  7. They were never dirty, you are just looking at them through a haze of hurt. Love you and I’m here, reading, for anything else you need.

  8. I think Anymommy said exactly what I was thinking: “They were never dirty, you are just looking at them through a haze of hurt.” It makes my heart heavy to know that haze is so pervasive.

  9. Just wanted you to know that I’m reading you, thinking about you, and sending positive energy your way…

  10. I’ve been MIA, so I just discovered your new home. I will be a regular visitor, if you don’t mind.
    : )

    Your hands are clean, friend. Your strength washed away that person many, many moons ago.

  11. *bends down and kisses both of your hands*

    you are clean, my friend. you are clean and you are safe.

    you are loved.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: